The rain pounded the windshield of his car as Big Roy pulled up to the unmarked building. A singular light swayed in the wind, illuminating the outline of a singular door in the wall. Twelve other cars were already there ranging from one small motorcycle to three large specialized vans.
Big Roy pulled his hood over his head and gingerly lifted a box out of his trunk, taking extra care to shield the box from the rain and to hold it perfectly level.
A large gust of wind blew his jacket open, causing him to flee towards the safety of the building. He knocked loudly on the door as the wind howled around him.
A loud clank was heard on the other side, and the door cracked open. Stepping inside, Big Roy found himself in a room not much better lit than the alley outside.
Whoever had opened the door was already disappeared into the darkness. It didn’t matter though for Big Roy knew the path to follow. Even though it had been nearly a year since he had to last make this journey, his feet remembered it well.
The hallway wound around and around for what seemed like miles until Big Roy reached his destination, a large room with thirteen tables lined in a circle. Twelve figures huddled around twelve of the tables already. While a few of them were helped by a handful of assistants, the great majority of them were working alone. The sheer importance of this event was such that they could not bear to leave any of the details in the hands of another.
Through the near darkness, Big Roy could barely make out each of their faces. A giant hour glass filled with sugar was slowly draining in the center of the room. Barely a quarter of the sugar remained at the top. Big Roy was lucky he had not been any later to arrive.
To his immediate left was Kelly Cupcakes, a small shop that specialized in extremely cute cupcakes that were most popular among tourists. Each cupcake featured the shape of a puppy or a kitten; in fact, if the animals she portrayed had been people, they wouldn’t have been old enough to vote. The only thing cuter than an adult tea cup pig is a baby tea cup pig.
Big Roy knew she was no competition for her recipe had always been flawed. She tried to match the sweetness of her designs with extra sugar in her recipe, but lacked the duality of flavors he knew he cupcakes excelled at. Beyond pure sugar, her cupcakes had no taste.
The table next to her was as stark a contrast as he could have expected. It was one of the newer establishments in the city, Oreominous. The concept was simple. The cupcake designs were all of ominous looking things from spiders to werewolves to faces with pulsating warts. As the name might indicate, each of the recipes relied heavily on countless blue packages of Oreos.
Despite his ability to turn even something as tasty as a cupcake into something artistically grotesque as icing shaped like a cracked toe nail, many of the purists refused to take Oreominous seriously since the only redeeming part of his cupcakes was the deliciousness of a store bought Oreo. Sure people loved Oreos, but if people wanted Oreos, they should have to buy them at the store. Having cupcakes reduced to edible spoons for Oreos often infuriated many of the artists in this room.
The Breakfast Bliss Brothers were next to Oreominous, and their entire table was themed after their niche in the cupcake market – breakfast. A spectacular sprinkle sun was peaking over the edge of the table illuminating the pedestal they had constructed to house their singular cupcake submission.
The last time Big Roy had seen one of their creation, even he had been wowed. Deemed their #6 Cupcake, it was loaded with bacon, hash browns, and eggs any way the customer wanted them inside of a rich cake crust. In one cupcake tin, the Breakfast Bliss Brothers had somehow found a way to simultaneously crisp raw bacon while cooking an egg over easy. One crunchy bite into the cupcake had released a flow of brilliant yellow egg yolk. It was so revolutionary that it was featured on five different Food Network shows.
Big Roy didn’t want to worry about what breakfast themed concoction they might have thought up for today. He couldn’t let them get into his head.
The oldest person in the room set up her table next to the Breakfast Bliss Brothers. Her name was Betsy, and many said she had been one of the people in the original conversation. When cupcake bakers mentioned the conversation, they were referring to the most important one in the history of their craft, the conversation to turn entire cakes into bite sized versions. Betsy was the founding mother of cupcakes.
Despite her revolutionary thought processes that had led to the creation of cupcakes, her own submissions were always relatively simple. Her cake was always moist varieties of chocolate, vanilla, or red velvet. Her icing was always buttercream and perfectly rounded. In nearly 50 years, she had not deviated from her three perfected cupcake designs. There was no doubt that behind the veil covering her cupcake that a cupcake made of one of that delicious trio was awaiting the final tasting.
A whir of noise let out from the next table as the team from Technically Tasty was frantically trying to put all of their machinery into place before the judging began. The sign over the door of their shop boasted that they could churn out 1 million cupcakes of 147 different varieties with the touch of just one button. Customers visited from miles around to witness the machines working within the shop.
Despite employing the largest staff out of any of the represented groups, human hands never touched the Technically Tasty cupcakes. The company had taken this commitment so seriously they even developed a machine to feed the cupcakes to the customer’s mouths directly… for an extra experience charge of course. Not needed to bake, most of the staff was around to make sure the machines were running smoothly and to clean the bathrooms. The next level baking mastery using only technology aside, Technically Tasty was especially proud of their bathrooms cleaned by real human hands.
Technically Tasty seemed oblivious to the angry stares from Environmental Éclairs that had set up their minimalistic, recyclable display nearby. The vast usage of electricity and waste often led them to protest outside the doors of Technically Tasty, which almost without fail only made more people interested in trying the heavily disputed technical themed cupcakes.
On the other hand, Environmental Éclairs did the worst business out of any shop Big Roy had ever seen. Rumor had it that the only way they were able to stay in business was through government subsidy because no one actually liked the idea of their cupcakes enough to invest in them privately. As the name indicated, their sole mission was to protect the environment, meaning their baking practices were extremely sustainable down to the usage of rain water instead of milk to mix their dough.
From what Big Roy could tell, their cupcake was made of recycled newspaper and doubtful to be any real competition to anyone. The next two tables included Choco-latte with their chocolate and coffee infused baked goods and Sugar Free Sweets with their naturally sweetened cupcakes that never saw an ounce of added sugar. Big Roy had found their cupcakes were great for his dog, Lil Roy’s, digestive system.
The figure standing at the next table was silently watching all of the other contestants but didn’t seem worried. Big Roy knew who this person was even though he had never seen him before this very moment. He had to be the cocky new comer to the industry, the owner of Shhhweet, and the reason they had all been called here today.
His business had only been open for a little less than a year, but there was always a line winding down the street during business hours. Big Roy had never visited the shop himself and had no idea what kind of cupcakes were served there. Rumor had it that any customer was greeted by a team of lawyers that required them to sign a 40 page iron clad confidentiality agreement before they were even allowed to see the cupcake displays. In the age of digital media, the cupcake designs were a better kept secret than most people’s breakfast from four weeks ago.
Big Roy had no idea the punishment for breaking that confidentiality agreement but he did know that many customers refused to speak about anything for as long as a week after enjoying one of the cupcakes for fear of accidentally breaking the agreement rules. Big Roy had tried to get in himself to try out the fair but was immediately barred at the entrance. Since he was local competition, he was only slightly offended. Moreso, he respected the owner of Shhhweet for doing his research. Big Roy had stuck around for a while hoping to get any information about what type of cupcakes were being sold, but the most he learned was the many sounds a customer could make while fervidly licking their lips.
Big Roy didn’t know what type of cupcake Shhhweet would unveil, but he was certain that whether anyone talked about it or not, it was one delicious bite of dessert.
A puff of smoke came up from the table with a spiked hair woman with an eye patch. Piratte’s was a cupcake joint that was almost entirely nautical themed and hosted sunrise Pilates classes. The combination of early morning and exercise always guaranteed a boost in sales by lunch time. Even the customers that didn’t like exercise loved the decorations of the store with the live fish and the full sized plank that one was required to walk to pay for their goods.
Even though the cupcakes were not the best, the spectacle kept a steady stream of profits coming in through the door. The Piratte’s cupcake looked impressive with a cupcake recreation of a pirate ship down to tiny crew members. Big Roy was sure that a careful bite would display compartments inside with other crew members going about their assigned duties. It’s lucky that Piratte’s would not have their daily scheduled 2 o’clock sword tussle to further win over taste buds.
The final two tables were filled by Colorful Creations and Taste Buddies. Colorful Creations was known for not being shy with the coloring and often sold cupcakes that looked like a three year old had found a box of crayons while their parent was in the bathroom. Taste Buddies gave customers the chance to eat the face of their favorite celebrity buddies. They could imitate nearly any celebrity face so you could take home an edible version of any of your favorite Hollywood buddies. For the fifth year in a row, Mr. Rogers was still their most sought after buddy although the usual Hollywood lightning rods of Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber sold their fair share.
A few eyes tracked Big Roy as he made his way to the only vacant table and a few even nodded their head in acknowledgement, but no words were shared. These bakers had become such experts at their craft that they knew even a simple “Hello” might give away whether they had chosen a fruit based or chocolate based cupcake for the challenge. When the stakes were this high, no one could risk such a costly tell in front of their competition. For today at least, the pleasantries would have to wait.
Big Roy stepped behind the table that was his and began setting up his display. He was not known for the most delicate design or the most delicate taste. Instead, he won over customers with the sheer size of his taste.
Big Roy’s Beignets served the largest baked goods possible. He had pushed the limits of what was considered a cupcake and many of the people in this room had called him out, saying that he was actually making full sized, small cakes. There was also general anger that his establishment was called Big Roy’s Beignets but he only served cupcakes. Big Roy stood immune to the criticism. He knew that his customers loved his products, and his cakes still fit in a cup, a fundamental aspect of the agreed upon definition of a cupcake. No one stipulated it had to be a small cup. Besides, Big Roy loved the alliteration of the word Beignet. Cupcakes didn’t rhyme with Roy.
He only hoped that his chocolate mint ganache cupcake was enough to beat out at least a few of the people standing around him in this room. His wife had insisted on him tweaking his recipe to include organic ingredients, and he had struggled to get his flavors just right ever since. Big Roy knew he would not be the best here, but he also knew that he was not the worst. That would be enough for today.
A loud gong went through the room, and Big Roy looked up. The hour glass had finished. All of the sugar was now at the bottom. Quickly and silently, every baker hurried away from their table and climbed a ladder. Shhhweet had never been here before and at first seemed confused. However, even he soon got the hint from the look of nervous fear in everyone’s eyes, climbing up the ladder.
Big Roy left his display, trying to ignore the pit in his stomach. Compared to the other tables, his display ranked below unimpressive. Still, he knew that the only thing that mattered in the end was the taste. The rules remained vague but even some of the greatest displays ever created had not saved a horrendous tasting cupcake. His cupcake was better than horrendous, but was it good enough to offset the complete lack of display?
The sound of chains in the distance reminded him to hurry, and he barely reached the top of the ladder when a large door on the other side of the room from where he entered opened. In walked three blindfolded sisters.
The Senderson Sisters were the judges for this event and had been the judges for every year that Big Roy had competed. They had been chosen in the beginning because their collective love for baked goods remained incomparable to anyone else. Legend says that they once ate every baked good in an entire city before lunch, including birthday cakes hidden inside home fridges. Others said that their longing screams could be heard on a quiet night as their cravings for sugar went unpacified.
Of course, no one knew if the legends were true because no one had ever seen the Senderson Sisters outside of this room. To avoid any favoritism, the Senderson Sisters were kept away from baked goods all year long. The only way to do this was to keep them under lock and key year-round. The treatment was quite humane however as they were fed and given a full cable package including two premium channels. The seclusion did have one nasty side effect. Mixed with their love for sugar, the sisters became frenzied whenever they neared baked goods, and in that frenzy, anything could happen.
Rumor was the Senderson Sisters were better fed this year so there was no imminent danger from them, but the bakers all stood silently on top of the narrow ledge just in case. The bakers didn’t want the sisters to realize there was only a few feet between them. Even the presence of chains did nothing to alleviate the baker’s fear.
As the sisters stood in the center of the room, they made what sounded like hissing and tongue smacking sounds to each other. They spent so little time around other people that they had made their own language. The bakers had no idea what they were saying and all agreed that was probably for the best. Hearing that the sisters did not approve of their baked goods would not make the final outcome any easier.
The bakers stared at each other. The moment of truth neared.
The sisters didn’t move towards any of the tables. The chains they wore held them in place until another figure appeared in the door. The owner of Pirattes muffled a scream because the figure that appeared in the door was humongous. As it stepped into the light, they all realized it was a man in a ball like cage holding a long pole. He shuffled slowly towards the sisters, never once moving his eyes away from them.
Finally when he decided he was close enough, he reached the long poll through the metal grate surrounding him and with a turn unlocked the sister’s chains. Quickly without waiting to see if he had been successful, he lunged backwards and allowed the ball to roll him out of the room. The door slammed quickly behind him.
The sisters threw their hands up in joy and ran towards different tables. Within seconds, there were hardly even crumbs left to indicate that the tables had once held edible goods. As soon as the last lick was finished, the sisters all huddled up in the center of the room, whispering to each other in their special language.
From within the folds of their clothes, they pulled out 13 cookies and placed one on each table. Big Roy frowned when he saw the cookies. The cookies were baked by the sisters, but since the sisters were not allowed sugar outside of the judging, the only person that enjoyed eating the cookie was Sugar Free Sweets. Big Roy looked over at Sugar Free Sweets and was certain he saw a look of anticipation mixed in with the same look of barely hidden fear no doubt etched on his own.
The door the sisters had entered from reopened, and a giant cake was sitting just beyond it. With shouts of joy, they ran through the opening, and the doors slammed shut behind them.
Slowly, the bakers made their way back down to the main floor. Big Roy looked around the room and saw that every door was sealed. They would not be reopened unless every person ate a bite of the cookie left at their table.
Big Roy looked at the cookie on his table. He was sure he had not been the worst, but he was still nervous. What if his new recipe had not agreed well with the sisters? Should he have ignored his wife and made it with his normal recipe? He could not worry about it now. The only thing he could do was eat the cookie.
Around the room, everyone was waiting for someone else to take the first bite. They’d all have to do it at once or no one would be able to do it. Big Roy picked his cookie off the table and felt it between his fingers. It had the look of an oatmeal cookie but was not soft in any way. He braced himself for the horrific taste.
Slowly, each of the bakers lifted the cookies to their lips and then before they could think about it any further, they all took big bites out of their cookies. Big Roy grimaced. The cookie was even dryer than it was hard. Sawdust with a little bit of syrup would have tasted better.
Every eye was on everyone else as they waited for what felt like hours but was probably only a few moments. Big Roy felt his stomach grumble. He covered his belly with his hands. It couldn’t be. His cupcake certainly was not the worst. It couldn’t have been. He burped and the fear subsided. It had been nothing to fear. Simple indigestion. No wonder his wife wanted him to eat healthier.
A loud agonizing scream pierced the air.
Betsy dropped to the ground. Big Roy looked at her lifeless body in shock. Her recipe was tried and true. No one in the room could believe that one of the most consistent of them all had delivered the worst cupcake.
The doors to the room swung open, and Big Roy gathered up his supplies. With a shrug, he headed for the exit.
He would have to have a talk with his wife about going back to the original recipe. Who cared if a cupcake is healthy if it doesn’t taste good?
“See you all next year,” he said, leaving the room behind.
