The Greatest Hoax-Buster Ever of All Time
By Matthew Aye
Fred undid the three locks holding his briefcase shut. The locks were airplane safe, meaning any TSA agent in a country-wide radius could open them in seconds, but Fred didn’t care. They were the only locks he had, and he needed the protection. The contents of his briefcase were revolutionary and shocking, contents that could only be shared upon the right circumstances by Fred himself. The security was absolutely necessary.
Besides, TSA agents rarely attended press releases in his mother’s basement.
It might seem weird that someone of Fred’s reputation would hold press conferences in his mom’s basement, but it wasn’t weird to him. He was very close to his mother, and she had a large basement. Holding press releases in her basement had the additional benefit of giving her the opportunity to bake cookies for the reporters. It was good to have purpose in life.
He opened the briefcase and pulled out a simple manila folder. Inside was the report that would soon hit all the newspapers, a report that contained perhaps the most shocking information ever compiled.
Fred had stumbled on to this story a few years prior. He’d gained quite the reputation as a myth buster of sorts. Ghosts, scam artists, or moon landings, Fred had a sixth sense. He could sniff out a hoax from a mile away. His fame had grown to the point where people would send him stories, begging for his help proving whether their fantastical tale was real or not. The letters came from celebrities, children, parents, and even anonymous parties crying foul about hoaxes so wild they couldn’t be printed in the trashiest of magazines.
Fred, the universally agreed upon greatest hoax-buster ever of all time, could not be stopped. His life motto was simple. There was no hoax too small, no conspiracy too big. If a flake of truth was there to be found, he would turn it into an avalanche of change. He would not quit until he’d set the record straight and claimed justice for all those wronged.
Two years ago, it had been an anonymous request that had started a journey that ended in the contents of the manila folder. The requester had detailed something so unlikely to be a hoax that Fred had thrown away the envelope before reading the entire letter.
The envelope had sat in the trash until Tuesday, when trash had to be taken out. Fred had tied off the bag, but for some reason, the envelope caught his eye. He couldn’t get the words out of his mind.
Could it be true? Could it be a hoax?
If it was a hoax, it was the greatest hoax of all time. The sheer number of people it had fooled made it perhaps the biggest conspiracy in the history of mankind. Bigger than Santa Claus.
His first steps upon deciding to take the case were to visit a nutritionist at the local hospital. It didn’t take long for Fred to realize she wasn’t taking him seriously, giving him patronizing answers because she thought his questions were cute. And why would she believe him? Why would anyone take him seriously when he asked them his questions? It was so implausible, it was a wonder they didn’t decree him insane.
But he’d be the one laughing now. After years of searching, obsessing over the answer, the envelope contained it. Certifiable proof. Proof that would turn the food industry upside down.
It was time to share the news. It was time to prove why he was the greatest hoax-buster ever of all time. It was time to rewrite history.
“Ladies and gentlemen. Please take your seats,” he said confidently.
The audience complied, settling into their seats around the room. The excitement building through the air. They knew they were in for something special.
“I’ve brought you all here to tell you something that is nearly so obvious that you will wonder why the truth was not more apparent to you. The efforts that have been made for this hoax to infiltrate every fiber of society should make you question everything you’ve been told to be true.”
He paused as the reporters shifted in their seats, holding their recorders closer towards Fred. They were ready to know what Fred had found.
He was ready to oblige…. Almost.
“The food industry didn’t want you to know this. The medical industry didn’t want you to know this. Your schools, your government, all in on it.”
“Is it the dangers of sugar?” shouted one reporter
“Food dyes?”
“GMOs?”
“Salmonella?”
“Gluten?”
“High fructose corn syrup?”
“The hidden effects of chocolate?”
These people had such little minds. How could they not see the truth when it was in front of them all along? Fred owed it to them to provide enlightenment. He owed it to them to set the record straight once and for all.
Fred pulled out a single sheet of paper from the envelope. Here it was. The piece of research that would redefine an already illustrious career. His stomach churned like he was cresting over the top of the first hill on a roller coaster. The thrill of the ride. The thrill of the hoax. The thrill of the reveal.
“Are you ready?” he asked. A healthy dose of dramatics never hurt anyone after all.
The reporters leaned forward, ready to hear his next words.
Fred read from the carefully prepared statement on the paper, refusing to deviate from the script for even a word.
“Brocoli is bad for you,” he said, allowing the weight of truth to flush decades of delusion from the room.
A few reporters ran out of the room, unable to come to grips with the reality of the truth. Brocoli was bad for them. Fred was announcing it. Fred was never wrong. It had to be true.
Other reporters were scrambling to take notes, to capture the information in a way that they’d be able to share it with their bosses and not get fired instantly or lose their credibility. Could it be true? Could brocoli be bad for you?
The answer was yes. Fred had done the research. His findings were sound. Soon with the help of these reporters, the truth would be known around the world, and brocoli would be no more. It would cease to be force fed to people around the world, replaced with foods that were truly good for the spirit and body.
“Questions?” Fred asked the room.
“How did you come to find this information?” asked the first reporter.
“Research,” said Fred.
The reporter took notes.
“How did you keep this under wraps for so long?” asked another.
“People refused to believe the truth.”
“What are you hoping releasing information will achieve?”
“Brocoli will be eradicated like the weed that it is,” said Fred.
The reporters were already at work. The truth was racing from the room to the corners of the earth. Grocery stores were taking down their brocoli signs. School cafeteria ladies were throwing out entire pallets of the green monstrosities. Children could look with defiance in the faces of their parents and confidently say no. Not today. No more brocoli for me. It is not good for me.
“Fred, you are the greatest hoax-buster ever of all time, how will you top this information? How will you out bust this hoax in the future?”
It was a question that Fred had been waiting for. The dust had barely settled on the greatest reveal of all time, and his adoring fans were already ready for more. They were already ready to see the veil removed from another lie. Fred had no intentions of disappointing.
“One word,” said Fred. “Carrots.”
One reporter fainted. Another dropped to their knees and started praying.
Fred, the greatest hoax-buster ever of all time, could not be stopped. His life motto was simple. There was no hoax too small, no conspiracy too big. If a flake of truth was there to be found, he would turn it into an avalanche of change. He would not quit until he’d set the record straight and claimed justice for all those wronged.
“Fred, honey. Time for bed. What’s going on down here?” asked his mom, entering the basement.
How could she have missed his big reveal? The whole world was talking about it. Leave it to his mom to still be ignorant of the biggest truth ever.
“Mom, you have to hear this. I just revealed to the world that brocoli is bad for you. Can you believe it? I better never eat it again. Too dangerous with how bad it is for you.”
“Is that so, my little hoax-buster?” asked his mom, putting her hands on her hips. Sometimes he worried that his mother would only ever see him as the little kid she raised and not the professional he had grown up to be.
“Yes, see,” he said, holding up the evidence. The carefully written report that showed all the research from the past two years.
“Honey, you’re handwriting has gotten so good, and I love the color crayon you used. But remember for your next conference, broccoli is spelled with two ‘c’s.”
As Fred followed his mom upstairs, he shook his head in despair. Some people were simply not ready for the truth, opting to live their life in denial. Somehow, he would find a way to get through to her and show her the way. He had to. She was his mother. He couldn’t let her live her life in the dark. He had to show her the way.
Even if it took until the age of 10.
